But You Don't Look Georgian?

I was recently banned from the health support site http://www.butyodontlooksick.com. It all started when my husband, whom I met on that site, posted his feelings toward complimentary and alternative medicine practices (CAM) that were being asked about on the site. The administration warned him that if he continued to post in that fashion, he would be banned from the site. N doesn’t believe that it is better to hold people’s hands and support them rather than encouraging them to not pursue dangerous forms of alternative treatment (ie homeopathy kills babies; http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/badastronomy/2009/06/05/homeopathy-kills/).

I will include what was said in the moderator forum, as through a recent email exchange with one of the administrators, it has been made clear that the owner of the site has the evidence of my posts in the mod forum. The tone of the email was to the effect of “we will use this against you if you don’t keep quiet”. Well, since I have already been banned, they can’t do much more than that. The point is that even if they did choose to use my posts as evidence of my treachery, I will not contest any of it. I freely admit that I stand by what I wrote, so using it against me would be an extremely weak tactic on their part; using it against me means that they think that exposing my words will unearth something about myself I don’t wish to see published. They are operating under the misapprehension that if they expose what I wrote, it will harm me. On the contrary, it can only help my case and hurt theirs.

When N was warned, another moderator posted in the moderator forum about it. I said in that private moderator forum that I would support N’s views, as they are similar to my own. Before this, I made it clear that I had avoided posting in the CAM forum, thinking it better to leave people to their ignorance, and if they came to harm because of it, it was no skin off my teeth.

I made it quite clear in the moderator forum that this was the reason I chose not to post often in the CAM forum, and I reminded the administration of this fact. I also explained why N’s views are what they are, and that I have an insight into his behaviour that nobody else on BYDLS does, because I live with him 24 hours a day. The response from Linda was that I was making excuses for N, and that excuses and explanations were one and the same. The logical conclusion to draw from this is that no explanation whatsoever could meet with their collective approval.

Carolyn, another moderator, also expressed the belief and hope “that I could remain neutral” – which in this case means siding with the hearts-and-flowers mentality of BYDLS. That is an extremely naive position to take. In response, they could say “Oh, no, we mean TRULY neutral.” Such a position is an impossibility.

Another question was asked – would I tolerate N’s type of behaviour if it came from another member, with whom I was not emotionally involved? I replied that I could not give them the answer that they wanted to year – which was “no” – because I had never lived with nor shared my life in such a way with any other member, therefore the comparison was not valid.

A day or so after the exchange in the moderator forum, I woke up, tried to log on to BYDLS, and found that both my username and that of my husband had been banned. I saw no reason to keep quiet about this fact, because I was never warned specifically that I personally would be banned if my behaviour did not at once become contrite and respectful.

I posted on Facebook about it in conjunction with and support of my husband’s Facebook posts, and was promptly chastised for doing so by the BYDLS administration. Apparently, it is improper to discuss events in one’s life on a public forum when all attempts to do so in private have been met with pleading ignorance and dishonesty. There is no recourse available.

Now, let’s look at the evidence that BYDLS presents:

1) I publicly compared one of the administrators, Linda, the one who is publicly visible as making the decisions on the forum: whom to ban, whom to chastise, which members need a slap on the wrist, and which get let off with seemingly atrocious behavior – to Stalin. As a Russophile, it was the first one which came to me as being logical. I explained in the moderator forum and on Facebook that I chose it because I am a Russophile. If I had been a student of American history, I would have compared her to George W Bush. The title of my blog post refers to Stalin’s place of birth – Georgia, in the former USSR.

I explained that this metaphor was quite apt, as BYDLS is literally large and unwieldy, like the former Soviet Union, and that like Stalin, the public perception of Linda is that she is alone at the helm, and has the appearance of complete power to do whatever she likes. The counter-argument was made that Linda is NOT alone at the helm, that there are two other administrators present on the boards at all times, and that all major decisions are made between the three administrators in private conversations. However, since these conversations are made outside the knowledge of anyone except the three administrators, how are we to assume that Linda is not the sole arbiter?

I repeated that the salient point was that although everyone is aware that there are three administrators total on BYDLS, the public perception was that of Linda alone at the helm. Stalin had helpers behind the scenes too, and nobody ever saw the things they did; actually, I would bet that most of them eventually fell from grace and were sent to the gulag. Linda replied that the comparison to Stalin wash harsh.

That’s the point – it was meant to be harsh. If you do not want to be criticised, do not do things that people can criticise you for. I fully expect to be criticised for writing this blog post.

2) My explanation of N’s behaviour was met with disregard when I brought it up privately in the moderator forum. Interestingly, the administrators counter-claim was that I disregarded the points they made in rebuttal. I did not. I read their posts, made a decision that they did not hold water for me, and chose accordingly to support my husband rather than the BYDLS organization. Their philosophy is that all opinions are worthy of respect. I disagree. I respect what earns my respect, and BYDLS has not. Respect is not to be doled out to everyone. Should I respect the idea that pink unicorns may live in Russell’s Teapot?

One piece of evidence that BYDLS has commented on obliquely was another spoonie’s personal blog post regarding her experiences with BYDLS.

http://newly-nerfed.net/2010/06/18/weekend-sendoff-but-you-dont-look-spammy/

The article painted BYDLS in an unfavourable light, and apparently my reading it and posting a link to it on Facebook without my own comments on what I thought of the article is an affront to BYDLS. Since many people use Facebook and Twitter to tell their contacts what they are reading online, there is as yet no statute to prevent people linking to whatever they are reading. If others choose to be offended by something I read, that is their problem.

Gee, this sounds familiar: Crohn's patient kicked off a Crohn's support forum because he advocated that CAMmers should not take MMS, which is basically bleach: http://thewelshboyo.wordpress.com/2010/08/10/bleachgate/

Asthma Flare

This morning was my last dose of a short course of prednisolone to try and kick this flare. Already starting to cough again when lying down. Hubby says it's NHS24 again if we need it. Joy.

Banned from But You Don't Look Sick, for using my brain and questioning skeptically.

Nath got warned for being blunt (Major never has) in the CAM forum of But You Don;t Look Sick. I explained to the mods why he is the way he is, and they couldn't see past their hearts and flowers campaign against critical thought and skepticism. Remember ZenMonkey? She left the boards for the same reason.

If you read her blog post about it, it's exactly what happened in this case. http://newly-nerfed.net/2010/06/18/weekend-sendoff-but-you-dont-look-spammy/ Nath posted on FB publicly because that is his right, and he was ignored in private. They pissed on him for it on his FB profile. Then they pissed on me for backing him up and not bydls. Um, he's my HUSBAND?????

I only wish now that I had printed out a copy of the mod thread on it, but of course, I can't now.

I apologize for not being able to type out the whole saga, but I am in an asthma flare that got me taken by ambulance to the ER on Sunday. Have now got better preventative puffer and am almost done a short course of pred. My GP misdiagnosed this as an infection and sent me into a flare by not managing my asthma correctly. The new GP I saw in an emergency appt is much more on top of things.

I will be removing all links to BYDLS from my blogs, as I see no point in supporting them anymore.

New Items in my Etsy shop - BABY BLANKETS!

Recently, after making a few large afghans that take a loooong time to make, I hit on the idea of doing smaller projects that could be offered for sale more quickly: baby blankets!

Each one takes less than one skein of the Lion Brand Homespun yarn that I use, so I can get 2-3 blankets per skein.

Here's my post about it.

http://warm-och-fuzzy.blogspot.com/2010/08/new-items-baby-blankets.html

If you've recently had a baby or know someone who has, please feel free to refer them to my shop. I also do custom orders.

Grandpa Marcel (4 April 1921-12 July 2010)

July 12, 2010

My Mom was in chat with me a few hours ago, and she blurted out that my grandpa Marcel, her dad, died this morning in his care home in Winnipeg, where I am from. :cry:

He was 89 years old (born 4 April 1921), and having many tiny strokes, so this was probably what got him; he died peacefully in his sleep during his after-breakfast nap. My sister said my mom was sorry for blurting it out like that, and also is keeping us up to date on the arrangements. My uncle is flying in from Toronto to help out, whatever that means.

My last information on the arrangements planned in advance was that he wanted to be buried in Belgium, where he was born. He was very much interested in his family geneaology, and as I understand it, there is a cemetery in a Belgian city where many of his ancestors (The Blanchaers) are buried. I think he'd like that, but I have no idea what his most recent wishes were. If he wanted to be buried there, I hope my family will make the effort to do that for him.

I do not know at this time if that is what will happen in actuality, but if there is something like that in the works, Nath and I will make arrangements to go there for whatever is planned. Or if they want us to come to Canada, same thing. But as I said, these things were only vaguely talked about with Grandpa in life, and his wishes may have changed. My sister will let us know. She said my mom would try to phone us this evening, but we haven't heard from her yet. Probably just as well.

The good thing is that Grandpa got to see and hold his baby great-grandchildren, my sister's twins (Emily and Isaac), less than 2 weeks ago. From the brain damage from strokes, he wasn't always "engaged" with people around him, but holy crap, he looks so happy and "with it" in the photos that my sister sent when they got to visit!

Sigh.

July 13, 2010

I talked on the phone with mom today.

My family is doing exactly what I expected them to do, given their limited skill in expressing any emotion - they are doing nothing at all to honor my grandfather.

Diddly squat.

Well, except cremating him and ignoring his wishes because it would be expensive and too much trouble. This pisses me off. When I asked mom about when grandpa had said (when I was in the same room with him to hear this) he wanted to be buried in Belgium, Mom said, "Oh, I don't think he really meant it."

Convenient, eh?

My uncle, aunt and cousins have flown in from Toronto to do...nothing? And Mom does not want Nath and me to come because it would be pointless.

Is there a Darwin Award for having all the personality and emotion of a tabletop? Because this describes my family in spades. The exact same thing happened when my grandma died in 1999, except in her case she left no clear wishes. No memorial, no nothing.

Her ashes stayed in a cardboard box in my mother's closet for over 3 years. Then they finally got around to scattering them. When I die, I do not want my remains to be shut in a damned closet.

WTF?

Idiots.

I am going on Youtube to play the Mourner's Kaddish scene from Angels in America. Given my grandfather's personality, it fits nicely. Don't be afraid to laugh. I did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H0Fi83wEWk

OK, that made me feel better.


I did want to argue with them, and I asked carefully worded questions to my mom so as to soften it...but when it came to really letting them have it, I bit my tongue. And freaked out later on, here.

But you did make me laugh. [Penelope - Carolyn told me a story about her family treating a dead relative's remains just as disrespectfully, to let me know my family wasn't the only screwed-up one. It made me laugh, as horrid as it was.]

Nath has an idea, and I'm all for it. Once they do god only knows what with the ashes - i.e. they mentioned scattering them over Grandpa's parents' graves in the Belgian cemetery in Winnipeg - he suggests that the next time the two of us go to Winnipeg, we secretly go to the cemetery, pick up some soil from the graves (just a small amount, we're not taking shovels or anything), take it back to the UK with us, and we can place it in Belgium ourselves. But we don't tell Mom or anyone until after the deed is done.

I think it would give me some peace of mind, and that was also Nath's feeling. And I think it would make Grandpa Marcel happy. [b][u][i]I will NOT tolerate my family members' deaths or remains being so disrespected![/i][/u][/b] So he was a pain in the neck, rude sometimes, self-centered and a huge imposition on my mother, but darnit, he deserves a little RESPECT!

Nath also suggested reading the Kaddish (with the special ending MWAHAHAHAHA!) when we do that.

I do not give a shit if my family reads this and is upset - they fucking well should be!

Client Threw a Shoe at Me

For a few months, I have been in communication with someone abroad who wants to buy an afghan from my Etsy site, and wants it custom-made to her liking, to be ready by a certain date. I said, sure, I can do that.

She said, "I don't want you to go to any trouble."

Uhm, that's why you're paying me!

Early on, I told her that certain patterns would take more time and be more expensive, because they are more complex and therefore take longer to make. I reminded her of this a few times along the way when I emailed her to see if she had made up her mind.

She said she could not look at the yarn on a website with pictures, and I, stupidly but in a customer-friendly way, offered to knit and send her swatches of the yarns I had on hand plus the ones she was miraculously able to choose from said website.

Even allowing for long postal times, it took her a month from when we first talked for her to choose colours and a pattern.

When she finally decided, wanted to snail-mail me her pattern idea (tack on another month where I have to wait to receive the pattern before starting), and told me in an email her ideas, catastrophe struck.

She wanted the most expensive pattern that would take the longest amount of time. I wrote her back and said (professionally and politely) that there was no conceivable way I could complete the project on time for when she needed it. Originally, I worked out how long each pattern would take me, and she was aware that a certain pattern would not be feasible if she wanted it by a certain date - which she did.

Her answer was "Don't worry about it. I will reimburse you for the yarn you've bought to send me the swatches".

Trying not to sound like I was begging, I emailed her and asked if she would like to continue but with a different pattern that I could complete well before the due date?

I hate to sound like I am begging, but let's be realistic. These knitting projects are not produced out of thin air, and it appears that she thinks they do.

My husband and friends agree that she is nuts, has no concept of how long these things take, and needs a reality check. The reason I am so disheartened by this is that my business is fledgling, and my customers are few and far between, so I need all the business I can get. If I lose this one, yuck!

On the positive side, if she backs out, I will get money for the yarn and shipping cpsts, and I can make scarves out of the yarn I bought to make her swatches. I am also updating my Etsy site's main page to prevent shit like this from happening again.

My husband quipped that this client threw a shoe at me, in reference to George W Bush's visit to Iraq last year, in which angry journalists lobbed shoes at the ex-president. Do to so says much more about the client than it does about me.

You can see my Etsy products at http://warmochfuzzy.etsy.com/

My Sister's Pregnancy, Part II

So today I learned that my sister will probably not want to let Mom have the babies at her house for babysitting when we come visit. My husband and I are unable to get into my sister's house because she refuses to put a railing on the front steps; both my husband and I walk with sticks, and have difficulty with stairs.

My sister has refused to put up a railing since they moved into that house 5 years ago. She claims that it would ruin the front facade/decor.

I know that this idea is paranoid, but it feels like my sister deliberately does not want me to see her babies. Also, she is fundamental Christian and I am Jewish. Does she think I am going to eat the babies for lunch?