I hate birthdays

It took me a full milligram of ativan to calm down about yet another of my mother's temper tantrums.

I will be leaving on June 18 to go to Scotland for 2 weeks, and I told her I didn't want to do anything for my birthday, which is June 17, because I have to save my energy (spoons) for the trip, and I am not comfortable socializing with other members of my family. They consistently ignore me.

A previous example of this treatment:
This past March 5 was my sister's birthday, and as I was getting my coat on to leave, Mom ordered me NOT to talk about the Scotland trip. Why? She replied: "Your sister is a nasty, judgmental person."

OK, apparently nobody gives a shit that I have nothing else exciting and fun to talk about. Mayb this is their way of saying "We don't really want to see you, so you just sit there and keep quiet so we can prattle on in peace."

I'd feel much better if they said that to my face.

Yet I still had to go and visit her anyways. *eyeroll* If I had said "No, I'm not oing because she treats me like crap.", mom would have thrown a bigger temper tantrum blaming me instead of my sister.

Mom asked me last week, do I want to do anything for my birthday - go out to eat somewhere? I say maybe - because we have a coupon for a cake from a bakery that recently opened up.

**fast-foward to today, when I go with her to take the dogs for a run at the park. It's great exercise, but it wipes me out.**

She asks me again today, "Do I want to do anything?"

(after we've finished at the dog park) I'm pretty tired, so I say no, I don;t want to do anything (and I didn't tell her this bit, but I'm not nuts about hanging out with my sister and her husband, which is what doing anything would amount to)

Predictably, she freaks out at me:screaming, crying and wailing.

1) I want to save up spoons for the trip

and she freaks out cos she thinks I'm taking a swipe at her personally

(yes, she's nuts, we know that...but she doesn;t know I know that)

so she starts crying

I'm calm, and I ask what she wants from me.

"I want you to acknowledge where your food comes from."

Whoa, where te fuck has this shit come from??? I hide my surprise and indignation, and answer civilly. "OK, I acknowledge that, mum...but what does that have to do with this?" (when in doubt, repeat exactly what she wants to hear)

*silence, she's blubbering; I'm staring calmly at her*

Mom: "It hurts my feelings that you don;t want to celebrate your birthday."

erm...

If by celebrating my birthday, you mean going over to sis' place and sitting there for three hours while they socialize and nobody talks to me...No, I don't want to do that!

(I didn't say that)

I have better things to do than make polite chitchat with people who don't care about me, an I want to save my spoons for the Scotland trip! Bugger off!

Oh, and by the way, now going out to a restaurant is no longer an option, ecause *gasp* it's too expensive.

Fine. Whatever. I don;t ant to do anything else.

"But then that makes meeeeee feel bad. You're so goddamned selfish!"

I'm being selfish?

If I can't do what I want, why mus I cave in and do what they want. Isn't this my birthday? I should be able to say what I do or do not want to do - within reason - and the options I suggested were at one time quite reasonable.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I hate birthdays.

Random thought

There is a graceful woman inside of me somewhere, but the klutz in me dropped something big and heavy on her head, and she's been in a coma for a really long time.

Warning about Cocoa Mulch b Hershey's!

This was posted on my dog message boards this weekend, and i wanted to pass it onto all you spoonies out there with Dogs-- This is very very important. If you have this mulch, and dogs, get rid of it!!!
Cross posted to us today ...

Over the weekend the doting owner of two young lab mixes purchased
Cocoa Mulch from Target to use in their garden. They loved the way it
smelled and it was advertised to keep cats away from their garden. Their dog
Calypso decided that the mulch smelled good enough to eat and devoured a large
helping. She vomited a few times which was typical when she eats
something new but wasn't acting lethargic in a way. The next day, Mom woke up
and took Calypso out for her morning walk. Half way through the walk, she had a
seizure and died instantly.

Although the mulch had NO warnings printed on the label, upon further
investigation on the company's website, this product is HIGHLY toxic
to dogs. Cocoa Mulch is manufactured by Hershey's, and they claim
that "It is true that studies have shown that 50% of the dogs that eat Cocoa
Mulch can suffer physical harm to a variety of degrees (depending on each
individual dog). However, 98% of all dogs won' t eat it."

PLEASE GIVE THIS THE WIDEST DISTRIBUTION !!

(For the skeptics among you, search Snopes.com for "cocoa".)

Special High Intensity Training

TO: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality
work and productivity from employees, it will be
our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T .) .

We are trying to give our employees more
S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you
do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. , please see
your supervisor.. You will be immediately placed
at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors
are especially skilled at seeing that you get all
the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. seriously
will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously
will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T .) .

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they
were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T.
anymore, because they are all full of S.H.I.T.. already. If
you too are full of S.H.I.T. , you may be interested
in a job teaching others. We can add your name
to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of
LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. ) .

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H..I.T.)

PS Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who
need S.H.I.T. in their life, just not the same
person who sent this S.H.I.T. To you...They have
already had enough S.H.I.T. !!!!

Mom rant

I think my mom is turning into my step-grandmother. That is, she is beginning to exhibit signs of a martyr complex, coupled with attention-seeking behaviour, and a few liberal dollops of the personality of a two year old. The most common exhibited symptoms are rage, frequent complaining, using me as an emotional dumpster and thinking that by barfing all her problems on me, it makes them "go away". And she is genuinely confused when I begin to show signs of wear at dealing with her repeated abuses (what sh sees include shortened temper, withdrawing, and crying; what she doesn't see is cutting, scratching and more crying.

But don't rely on her for a complete picture: she'll tell you there is no abuse. She is simply incapable of seeing that it is occurring. She would rather stick her head in the sand and pretend everything is peachy-keen, she feels sooo much better after having vomited all her numerous, self-inflicted troubles on me. I said to her, bfore she started talking, that the issues that are stressing her also stress m when the same horrid infomation gets passed to me without my permission. "I'm not in the mood to deal with this elective stuff, today Mom. It upsets me and stresses me out."

"Well, how do you think I feel?? I don't have an option not to deal with this. If I tellit to you, that makes it go away."

So therefore I am supposed to happily experience the many types of stress this engenders with no options myself. What the fuck are we, conjoined twins????

I have, on occasion, gotten up and walked out of the room. It is a peaceful way of ending the stress.

Her response: "Don't you dare walk away from me!"

I am 26 years old, and she think this is a statement that will work? Hell no!

(No, it does not, you spineless, snivelling brat: it just displaces the unpleasantness just as energy never disappears, only changes form.) If I don't submit, she calls me selfish!!!!!!

Today I hacked into her email, and discovered what I already knew: she treats my older sister (3 years older) completely differently. Not a single temper tantrum or ill word has ever passed between them that I have been witness not. Everything is always cheerful and pleasant.

I once tried to go to my sister for emotional support. She was Unaware there s a problem with Mom at all. SHE NEVER SEES IT. THAT'S WHY!!!!!! So, no help there.

So far, my suggestions for her self-improvement have been met with extreme resistance. I get the distinct impression that she does not want to improve, because Oh My God! That would mean makng a cange o multiple changes in her life! It would take....work! What a concept!!

1) Get a shrink, a professional with whom she can work out her insecurities and fits of rage.
Answer (whiny): "I don't want to switch to a new therapist!" [Her current therapist charges a lot of money by the hour, so she reasons that it's cheaper to vomit her trash on one of her daughters.)

2) Did I mention she's addicted to Lorazepam? She pops pills instead of dealing with a difficult situation when it crops up.

3) She's a doormat, complains incessantly about same, and then refuses to take steps so that she can get out of being a doormat. It can be done, but to her, it is too much work, and she is oh-so tired.

New Knitting Project!

This is going to be my next knitting project - a sudoku blanket! :-) Doesn't it look like fun?

Because I'm allergic to wool, I can't use the yarn called for in the original pattern.Therefore I may have to fiddle with the colors and make substitutions. The important thing will be to use the proper size of needles and an equivalent weight of wool/acrylic. All the information is on the skeins' labels.

I'm planning on kitting he squares individually, then sewing them together with clear thread. I'm not sure how to make the black edging yet, but I'm on Ravelry, so I'll probably get some great tips there.

Yay!!!

Kate's Answer - as expected.

This is the reply she sent me. I ind it insulting and abusive, and I hope this is the end to it.


My family situation is my business, as you know.
I will not apologize for any misunderstanding when it comes to that.
Re: the wedding, it is in the future and nothing has been decided.
Of all things, you bring negatitvity to that?
That is not appropriate, as you know my life is complicated, I refuse to complicate it further.
If you had had feelings of abandonment, you should have told me earlier, instead of just coming out and sending me that vicious email.
I did not, not want to see you. However, since you have sent me that message with such ugly words in it for me, that shows me that you cannot be happy for things that happen in my complicated life, my feelings have changed.
I cannot and will not be attacked for who I am and, will not be cut down for any decisions I have to make.

I cannot control when I am sick, neither can you. So, you could understand when I have a bad day, there is nothing I can do about it. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. I have an illness, that I have to deal with. Period.

I have all the understanding in the world for someone dealing with depression issues and such, as I have been dealing with them since I was a child. I will not, however be the punching bag if you have a bad day, or feel that I have somehow wronged you and you have let it fester to the point where it boils over.
This is not fair to me, and not fair to you either.

I wish this haad turned out some other way. I am sorry for this whole thing.

K