New Knitting Project!

This is going to be my next knitting project - a sudoku blanket! :-) Doesn't it look like fun?

Because I'm allergic to wool, I can't use the yarn called for in the original pattern.Therefore I may have to fiddle with the colors and make substitutions. The important thing will be to use the proper size of needles and an equivalent weight of wool/acrylic. All the information is on the skeins' labels.

I'm planning on kitting he squares individually, then sewing them together with clear thread. I'm not sure how to make the black edging yet, but I'm on Ravelry, so I'll probably get some great tips there.

Yay!!!

Kate's Answer - as expected.

This is the reply she sent me. I ind it insulting and abusive, and I hope this is the end to it.


My family situation is my business, as you know.
I will not apologize for any misunderstanding when it comes to that.
Re: the wedding, it is in the future and nothing has been decided.
Of all things, you bring negatitvity to that?
That is not appropriate, as you know my life is complicated, I refuse to complicate it further.
If you had had feelings of abandonment, you should have told me earlier, instead of just coming out and sending me that vicious email.
I did not, not want to see you. However, since you have sent me that message with such ugly words in it for me, that shows me that you cannot be happy for things that happen in my complicated life, my feelings have changed.
I cannot and will not be attacked for who I am and, will not be cut down for any decisions I have to make.

I cannot control when I am sick, neither can you. So, you could understand when I have a bad day, there is nothing I can do about it. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. I have an illness, that I have to deal with. Period.

I have all the understanding in the world for someone dealing with depression issues and such, as I have been dealing with them since I was a child. I will not, however be the punching bag if you have a bad day, or feel that I have somehow wronged you and you have let it fester to the point where it boils over.
This is not fair to me, and not fair to you either.

I wish this haad turned out some other way. I am sorry for this whole thing.

K

One Final Attempt

I have gotten some ativan into me, and with mom's help, drafted a reply. I can't stop crying.

The wedding thing was like being slapped in the face. This is a draft email, and I'll send it after I think on it for a while, and my friends at www.butyoudontlooksick.com have weighed in. I know Kate doesn't like NOT to have the last word - how childish!! - so I'm expecting anoter nasty email from her once I send this.

I know that I have done nothing wrong. This is all her.

Dear Kate,

I am sorry that you feel that way. I should have told you earlier that what has really hurt me is your deliberately telling me that I was NOT invited to your wedding, after I thought we were best friends. If you had told me that it was ONLY family that was invited, then I could understand. But as it stands now, I don't understand why I'm not invited. I also feel very sad that most of the many times that we agreed to meet did not happen. I understand that you have been diagnosed with agoraphobia, but I am hurt by the times you stood me up without telling me ahead of time. I get the feeling (prior to the email I am replying to) that you just don't want to see me anymore.

Stephanie

More abuse from Kate

I just received another email. I really don't feel very good about any of this because I know I did nothing wrong. She's never going to know about the wedding thing now.

At least I was in some fashion prepared for this.


Upon reflection.
I have not and will not put up with s-h-i-t.
I do not have to explain myself to you, or suck up.
Your words speak for themselves.
Have a good life.

p.s. I will drop off your CD without ringing the bell tomorrow.

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part XI) - hopefully this is the last post on the subject!

I wish she'd mail the thing. I gave her the option without being snotty about it. Geez...

As I've been discussing with Sarah, my mom is trying to convince me that I should "end things positively". By that she means invite Kate in for tea on Saturday and try to talk it out with her. Mom's way of thinking is founded on a certain philosophy that is not the same as mine: Give Kate a second chance. People supposedlydeserve a second chance

What she doesn;t realize is that Kate has had many "second chances". I tolerated her behaviour for a long time. I should have said right away that the wedding thing upset me, but I didn't because I was in shock.

I don't want to have Kate in. What that will do is open the door (literally) for Kate to yell at me, in my kitchen, while on m turf. I don't see why I should put myself through that. Unless she acts kindly, I'd planned on saying thank you for giving the CD back, and have done with it.

My mom doesn't understand why I won't invite Kate in. She has always been overly optimistic, and she has not read any of my BYDLS posts. All she has read are the emails I posted here; I let her read them.

Mom was sitting in the same room when Kate told me I would not be invited to her wedding. I relayed the information to her after I hung up.

I don't think she will want to come in, and I have no intention of engendering Mom's little fantasy of "making nice", when it has a good chance of making me more upset. I have already cried about this for days, when nobody was home. Kate will very likely scream at me. Why should I endure that? My mom's advice has been toxic in the past.

Last night I almost sent Kate an email to bring to her attention that she hurt my feelings by saying casually that I was not invted to her wedding.

Mom's argument is that Kate has no idea she said anything wrong, and that I am obligated to tell her she hurt my feelings. I thought I made that clear in the email.

I chose not to send it. I think Kate is aware of what she said and how extremely rude it was.

How can someone say something like that and be ignorant of the effect it will have? Either:

1) she is so self-involved she didn't realize that words have consequences, or

2) she knows and didn't give a crap.

Her outrage at my email would seem to support reason #1.

If I invite Kate in, that rewards her behaviour. I will not do it.



I really hope this is the last time I post about this topic. I'd rather post about happy things.

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part X)

February 14, 2008

I sent her the following email:

Dear Kate,

As you know I am very ill & do not cope with stress very well. I feel I am your sounding board & this 'friendship' we have is very one sided. It hurts me that you don't ask how I am or if I need any help, instead you talk about yourself & all your problems. I don't have the energy to listen to & help sort out your issues as I have enough trouble with my own.

I need understanding & supportive people around me & don't feel I am getting this from my relationship with you. I need time out to do a re-evaluation on our friendship & suggest you do the same.

Mail me the English Patient CD. Here is my address:

*not posting my address here*

Sincerely,
Stephanie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got an email back. As predicted, she is angry at me.

*****

K, wow.
I did not know that I was that one sided. I always ask how you are doing. I ask if you are ok, and when you have a headache and you can't talk, I say ok and sign off.

That is a very strong thing to say. I have to say that now, I am hurt and angry.
I will not feel like talking to you either. I will drop off your CD on Sat after my shift.

As far as I know we laugh and laugh.
We are both short on spoons. Maybe I do not listen as much as I can, but I am very busy.
I try and laugh with you, to relieve your pain.
But really if someone does not feel that I am good enough for them, that is cool
Maybe the people on your forum listen to you more, but I do what I can. And I also remember just asking about your voice therapy.

I will drop off the CD on Sat. I am not mailing the **** thing.
I may be selfish, but I don't want to mail it.

*****

Yes, "Abby" is the very same "Kate" who I was so happy to be friends with when I first met her.

She'll probably be very angry and verbally bash me. It will hurt. I'll just take lots of ativan.

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part IX)

February 14, 2008

Seems like she really doesn't care. That's what hurts me. If she doesn't want to see me anymore, why won't she blipping just say so?

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part VIII)

February 13, 2008

Today is Wednesday. She did not show up, and made no effort to tell me she would not be there. She could have phoned me in the morning and said so.

My head was killing me because a (pain level 7) headache started round 2:15, before my class. I'd forgotten to make sure I had gravol in my purse, so I did without and sat through class in agony with my sunglasses on. I get home and manage to get gravol into me at 4:45 pm. It took until 5:45 to kick in.

After I get home at about 4:30pm and hook my laptop back up to the internet, she pops online in MSN messenger. To complain. About herself.

Here's the conversation, verbatim, that we had on MSN. I don't like to judge people, but her own words speak to what kind of person she is. Oblivious comes to mind.

Nutmeg: Yo, Freaky Kat here.
Stephanie: yo
Stephanie: owwie here
Nutmeg: Owwie?
Stephanie: headache, gravol not working yet
Nutmeg: ahhh, had to drug myself all day so that I did not freak out totally. Just a little freak.
Stephanie: I gotta go lie down
Stephanie: too much pain
Nutmeg: Ttyl

I extrapolate from this that she stayed home because of her agoraphobia.

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part VII)

Just realized something.

I can't meet Abby tomorrow because I have speech therapy. I don't go to class on Mondays because I can't get from the hospital to university in time. My prof's fine with this arrangement and I get lecture notes from a classmate.

It slipped my mind when Abby was trying to reschedule.

Sigh.

...5 minutes later...

Wednesday will be fine. She was surprisingly friendly on the phone. Like nothing was wrong.

Well, she did tell me that I sounded like crap. I said it was probably the gravol. Wasn't that nice of her?

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part VI)

February 10, 2008

Today she beeped twice in my MSN messenger program.

The first time I told her that my morphine was making me woozy, as the morning dosage always does. It clears up in about 1-2 hours; sometimes I work through the wooziness, others I rest.

Her response was, "he he. I gotta go out to the supply store. Be back in half an hour". Then she left.

It's not funny!!!!!!!! What kind of person laughs when someone says they are sick?????!!!!!!

A little while later she beeped again. "Hello?"

After waiting a few minutes to see if she would say anything else, I said that I had a bad headache and couldn't talk (which happened to be true). She said "kk, ttyl" and left. No "I'm sorry", no hugs, NOTHING.

I personally make a point to give someone a cyber hug if they're not feeling well (even though it can't change their pain level directly), and I appreciate it so very much when my spoonie friends do the same for me. A hug goes a long way with me. Sometimes for spoonies here hat's all I can do for them. But it's something.

Sigh. I wish Monday would come so I wold know what the stakes were. Drop her and get the CD. The only reason I'm not just buying it now is because if she did show, I'd have 2 copies of the CD

"Abby" has never seen me in person with the high levels of pain that mean I reach for a massive dose of gravol. She's never seen what happens if my shunt malfunctions. By the time she sees it, the gravol's working and I appear "normal". I didn't know her at the time my shunt was tied off, when I was at my sickest and in the neurosurgical ICU.

So that is partly my responsibility. Perhaps I should let Abby see me in the state I'm in before I take the Gravol. Maybe she's completely ignorant of how ill I can become, even though I've explained it to her. It's like she's not tracking with it.

It's like it would be necessary for her to witness the severest symptoms I had before she'd truly understand what was going on. In a sense, since she hasn't seen me symptomatically projectile vomit (this happened at least 3-4 times a day in the ICU as a result of stabilizing my ICP after the catheter was tied off), it's like she doesn't think I am sick.

Why should I have to prove it to her when she is so concerned about always making sure I know how mentally ill she is (i.e., the agoraphobia that cost her her job - she resigned from it. Her boss refused to give her more shifts because she missed so much work due to not being able to leave her house). The fact that her illness is documented by a physician apparently did no good.

I think mental illness is more invisible than Spoonie illnesses like lupus and MS, and yet I'm supposed to hold her hand and be supportive when she will not do the same for me?

I don't think so. I know mental illness is just as serious as any physical illness, and that's why I went into psychology. People deserve support and help if you can give it.

I've never met any of my Spoonie friends (yet ) in person, but you guys "get it" without having to witness personally each other's flares, and I'm grateful for that. You guys "get it" simply by interacting in here, emails and IM. The different Spoonies I talk with daily in IM, like Nath, Sarah and Taneli "get it" even though they can't see me. There's no judgment and preciously few attempts to try and "one-up" each other. That's why the BYDLS community is so fantastic, and that's why I fell in love with Nath (that and his exceptionally large mind... brain the size of planet...)

When I first met "Abby," I encouraged her to come here, make herself part of our community, because she does have an invisible illness, and I thought she would love this place like I do.

But she never has. One of the things she keeps saying is that nobody understands her. G-d knows, I have tried. I've listened to her talk, and offered my love and support. She took, and she took, and she took, rarely giving back.

I guess I've been wasting my time, eh? Abby is going to abuse me for dropping her, because she's incapable of understanding that she hurt me very much. I guess I'll just have to endure it. I should have reacted more strongly, let her know right then that she'd put her foot in it by saying "You're not invited, but...you understand, right?"

Understand what? I should have asked. I would have accepted a reasonable explanation. Not something like, "I can walk over you in golf spikes and you'll still be here for me."

It will be hard for her to understand that she made a booboo. A big one. And, literally or otherwise, she's going to try and put the blame on me for making a break for it.

If you've made it to the end of my post, thanks for reading - boy, I can't believe I wrote all that while blotto.

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part V)

February 8, 2008

Why this bothers me so much is that the CD added to the wedding crap she pulled on me is just too much.

If it were just the CD, I'd say to the devil with her and buy another copy.

Another thing that makes this very difficult is that if I break off all contact, this will enrage her. She will hurl abuse at me in a passive-aggressive fashion; she's done this before when we had a disagreement about something a few years back. I don't remember what the point of contention was, so I can't say who was right or wrong, but I remember how she acted. It was not pretty. What I did then was withdraw from the situation for a while, and then patch things up. And I felt awful; I was certain I'd done something wrong. I'm not perfect, but I know I tried not to do anything wrong. Who doesn't?

She has often described herself as being very "alpha" - dominant. She doesn't take kindly to anything negative directed at her, and she knows how to make words hurt grievously. Even if it is objectively not the other person's fault, she knows how to make a person think that something is their fault. In many ways her thinking is like an adolescent's. In that sense, I suppose I was the perfect victim: compliant, non-aggressive, the one who smooths things over. "Sure we can meet next Monday." See? I acquiesced, because she leaves no room for argument. All other options are deemed unsuitable.

I wish this would just go away.

It's not that I'm afraid to make a decision. The problem is the consequences. I don't deserve what she's likely to do to me, and it's going to be very unpleasant.

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part IV)

This evening, February 6, Abby did it again. Phoned me, dumped on me, and hung up. At least this time I have lots of gravol in me (bad day), so it doesn't hurt as much. Mentally or physically.

Much.

A simplified transcript after customary greetings are exchanged:

Abby: How are you? (She never gives me a chance to answer, but hurtles on with...)

A: Craptastic. (repeated 6-8 times)

S: What does that mean?

(After many minutes of her babbling at me, I finally find out she will be quitting her job because her boss refuses to give her shifts on the grounds that her mental illness (agoraphobia) has made it impossible for her to make it to work on a bad day). She has a doctor's note, so it is documented. She says her parents will be supporting her until she can figure something out.

I suggest suing them on grounds of discrimination.

She ignores me, keeps talking, saying she is high on anger. She doesn't want to sue them.

OK.

Five more minutes of bitching away without ever letting me talk. Suddenly, there is a question inserted into the stream of wordswordswords.

Do I want to meet up on Friday after class?

Stunned, I said yes.

A: OK, ttyl (she actually said t-t-y-l). Shorthand-speak, if you will.

Clunk. *The phone is hung up.*



I want to hug my boyfriend...

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part III)

I have previously used the "I am very sick and can't talk." card. As in Level 8 pain and I am screaming.

"Abby" just kept blabbering.

Maybe she was drunk. She didn't seem to notice that my replies were basically mutterings through clenched teeth because of the pain: "ahh, hmm, I see...ahhh (groan)..." - when I didn't give a rodent's posterior.

I should have hung up. I didn't because I have cultivated good manners.

I paid for good manners today. On to the next post, my beloved reader, if you dare!

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part II)

"Abby has done this kind of thing before. Sometime this past fall, she called and told me all about a Passion Party she was going to, and then hung up. Gee, I would have liked to hop a ride and go too...I could use a new sex toy...

Later she calls back and says, "Oh I didn't ask if you wanted to go because there was a huge flight of stairs down to the hostess's basement." She knew well before this that I can do stairs JUST FINE if there is a railing - which there was.

But she never thought to ask.

Want to hear more? (stop reading if you don't; I need to vent )













keep scrolling down...



















Recently she phones me up, either stoned or drunk, and informs me she and her fiance just had sex, and how frequently she got off.

"Abby, I really don't need to hear this."

Silent continuation: My boyfriend is 5000 miles away and I can't even hug him, you little ****** putz!

(teacherish voice) "But you need to know about these things!"

Hold it!! I need to hear how your sex life is so blipping fulfilling when I can't even hug the man I'm in love with?????????

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part I)

I wasn't planning on writing here today, but a friend on www.butyoudonlooksick.com had this bunny as her signature, and it happens to reflect my mood.


My best friend has her head stuck so far up her own *** she can check her tonsils. I will call her Abby.

For a few months now, Abby has been engaged to the guy she's been living with for the past 4 years. The day she got engaged, she was so excited that she phoned me at 8 am.

Me: "Great! Congrats! I'm so happy for you!"

Right?

Abby phones me tonight (this was on February 3), to vent, as she has been doing lately. She talks a lot, and usually I just sit and listen, and say "ah, hm, I see" when appropriate. She never asks what I'm up to. There's an automatic "how are you?" at the beginning of all phone calls, but without real interest in the answer.

Sometimes she phones me after she is drunk. Usually this is a great source of mutual amusement. She's also on Xanax and an anti-psychotic, and she raves about how it has calmed her down so much, and she feels great, except for attacks of agoraphobia which have curtailed our getting together at university before classes like we used to.

Lately she has chastised me for not being at the meeting spot lately. Lockers. Sometimes I don't have time to stash my coat, and having not heard from her, I assume she will not be there.

The next day, I invariably get a phone call: "Where were you?"

But back to the phone call tonight...

She starts talking about the wedding dress she found. She loves it, it is perfect, etc. Me: "That's nice, Abby." I have no clue because she's not keeping me in the loop at all.

Then the subject moves on to the wedding. I don't know when the date will be; Abby has not told me. Every time I ask, she says she doesn't know yet.

Then, out of the clear blue sky, she says casually, "You're not invited. There are only so many people that we're inviting...but you understand, of course." (That wasn't a question. Her voice is cheery, as if nothing is amiss.)

Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then she keeps talking, as if what she said isn't meant to have an effect on me. I didn't realize how much it stung until 20 minutes after hanging up, and I relayed the story to my boyfriend and my mum.

It's not that I look for or expect invites like this; social situations are stressful for me, and I would most likely have politely declined.

But...isn't there a better way of saying something like what she did?

Is this worth ending a friendship, such as it is? She's my only friend outside of the people on But You Don't Look Sick?. All my other friends are there.

The best friend designation was her idea. That is what galls.