I hate birthdays

It took me a full milligram of ativan to calm down about yet another of my mother's temper tantrums.

I will be leaving on June 18 to go to Scotland for 2 weeks, and I told her I didn't want to do anything for my birthday, which is June 17, because I have to save my energy (spoons) for the trip, and I am not comfortable socializing with other members of my family. They consistently ignore me.

A previous example of this treatment:
This past March 5 was my sister's birthday, and as I was getting my coat on to leave, Mom ordered me NOT to talk about the Scotland trip. Why? She replied: "Your sister is a nasty, judgmental person."

OK, apparently nobody gives a shit that I have nothing else exciting and fun to talk about. Mayb this is their way of saying "We don't really want to see you, so you just sit there and keep quiet so we can prattle on in peace."

I'd feel much better if they said that to my face.

Yet I still had to go and visit her anyways. *eyeroll* If I had said "No, I'm not oing because she treats me like crap.", mom would have thrown a bigger temper tantrum blaming me instead of my sister.

Mom asked me last week, do I want to do anything for my birthday - go out to eat somewhere? I say maybe - because we have a coupon for a cake from a bakery that recently opened up.

**fast-foward to today, when I go with her to take the dogs for a run at the park. It's great exercise, but it wipes me out.**

She asks me again today, "Do I want to do anything?"

(after we've finished at the dog park) I'm pretty tired, so I say no, I don;t want to do anything (and I didn't tell her this bit, but I'm not nuts about hanging out with my sister and her husband, which is what doing anything would amount to)

Predictably, she freaks out at me:screaming, crying and wailing.

1) I want to save up spoons for the trip

and she freaks out cos she thinks I'm taking a swipe at her personally

(yes, she's nuts, we know that...but she doesn;t know I know that)

so she starts crying

I'm calm, and I ask what she wants from me.

"I want you to acknowledge where your food comes from."

Whoa, where te fuck has this shit come from??? I hide my surprise and indignation, and answer civilly. "OK, I acknowledge that, mum...but what does that have to do with this?" (when in doubt, repeat exactly what she wants to hear)

*silence, she's blubbering; I'm staring calmly at her*

Mom: "It hurts my feelings that you don;t want to celebrate your birthday."

erm...

If by celebrating my birthday, you mean going over to sis' place and sitting there for three hours while they socialize and nobody talks to me...No, I don't want to do that!

(I didn't say that)

I have better things to do than make polite chitchat with people who don't care about me, an I want to save my spoons for the Scotland trip! Bugger off!

Oh, and by the way, now going out to a restaurant is no longer an option, ecause *gasp* it's too expensive.

Fine. Whatever. I don;t ant to do anything else.

"But then that makes meeeeee feel bad. You're so goddamned selfish!"

I'm being selfish?

If I can't do what I want, why mus I cave in and do what they want. Isn't this my birthday? I should be able to say what I do or do not want to do - within reason - and the options I suggested were at one time quite reasonable.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I hate birthdays.

Random thought

There is a graceful woman inside of me somewhere, but the klutz in me dropped something big and heavy on her head, and she's been in a coma for a really long time.