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Tradition trumps dignity, abuse and fear

The recent news of the new United States TSA regulations on freely allowing people to be groped in the name of security, reminded me of an event in my life.

I converted to Judaism when I was eighteen. I was rather excited to joining the tribe of people that my dad and his family were a part of, some of the things I'd participated in before I could walk, like finding the afikoman at Passover. I went to all the classes, went on the field trips, and generally learned a lot.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mikveh
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ritual_washing_in_Judaism#Full-body_immersion


Part of the conversion ceremony for both men and women is immersion in a ritual bath, called a mikveh. The mikveh is the inspiration behind the Christian ritual of baptism; obervant women also use the mikveh every month to mark the end of their menstrual cycles (seven days with no discharge following the end of bleeding), and the beginning of time when they can once again engage in sexual intercourse until the beginning of their next period. Other than the monthly rites of women, the mikveh is most often used in Jewish conversion ceremonies. It can also be used by any Jew who wishes to have an experience of spiritual renewal. In modern times, the mikveh looks much like a tiny swimming pool, with steps and a railing leading down into it. The only requirement that differentiates it from a swimming pool is that the water that comes into it must flow from a natural source.

The time for my mikveh approached, and I researched it. Ritual requires that the immersing person be completely naked, having bathed or showered thoroughly beforehand. While you are naked, you must enter the mikveh, say the blessings for it, and immerse yourself, lifting your feet off the floor of the pool to make sure the water touches every part of you. You must be observed by at least one other person of the same sex while doing all of this. When that's done, you emerge from the water, dry off, get dressed, and then have a party.

The bathing, I had no problem with. Checking under my fingernails to make sure there was absolutely no dirt? Fine and dandy. Covering any cuts or sores with band-aids? Of course.

I explained to my instructor that I had been sexually abused as a child, and so was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of being naked and having to have anyone observe me in this state. It didn't matter that it would be another woman - eventually, there were two - one woman from my conversion class that I barely knew, and another woman who was a distant cousin of mine. Double the pair of eyes and humiliation.

It was still highly distasteful to me, and I asked if there might be a way I could cover up during the ritual. After all, modesty in women is highly valued in Judaism - there are books dictating down to the last possible detail as to how an observant woman should dress and behave, so that her sexuality is not looked upon by others or exploited.

But that, apparently, didn't matter one iota. My instructor told me that being naked was essential, and it felt like he didn't listen to a word I said. He told me that I could perhaps wrap a sheet around myself before entering the mikveh, but once underwater, I absolutely had to let the sheet fall away from me and float above me, to ensure that the mikveh water did not miss any part of me.

There was no room for debate. So, I ended up doing this thing in the way they wanted, with two women looking at me when I was naked, and my feelings were irrelevant. I was terrified and humiliated.

So, where do we draw the line in the modern world between tradition and dignity in Judaism, or as in the case of the recent TSA regulations, security, fear and dignity?

Chronic Illness and the Holidays

It's that time of year again, when we have to gather with relatives, eat lots of stuff, drive all over the place, shop for presents...and figure out where and when to use the limited spoons we have. Chronic illness adds a whole new level of complications to the holidays, but over the years I've found a few ways to make life easier.

Make lists. Because brainfog won't let me remember much. STM (short-term memory) issues are also a factor, which may be illness-related, weather-change-related, or medication-related. You can also make plans for doing stuff in such a way as to conserve what few spoons you have. Which leads me to the next point.

Amazon: This is where I buy gifts for people, because it means I don't have to physically go out and traipse around the mall. Gift wrapping is available on most items, and you can keep track of addresses as well. It also offers reminders for people's birthdays and special events. Amazon also does the shipping for you. Since my family is across the Atlantic, shipping from the UK can be a right pain if you're shipping everything by yourself by going to...

The dreaded post office. Queues. Not fun for a Spoonie. They really need to have more chairs in there. If you can manage it, do your off-Amazon Christmas shipping all on one pre-determined date, that will ensure that the parcels get to where they need to be before December 25. Use the blue badge to get close parking.

If anyone has more ideas, please post them in the comments!

The Birth Plan

Just watched this hilarious video on "birth plans". Oy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ob3tObX3Fg&feature=player_embedded

Name Change!

I've changed the name and description (but not the URL) of my site to match up with my Facebook profile description. Hopefully that will make it more synchronous.

*noms on hot chocolate and cereal for brecky*

Opinion or No Opinion.

Lately, people have been indicating to me that my posts, which usually contain a link to an article I've read, are either alienating them, or downright offending them. This happens via facebook or Twitter. I recently discovered TweetDeck, and find it much more spoon-friendly to use. For example, it automatically shortens URLs (no more tinyurl.com usage, copy-pasting), and I can keep track of a select number of my followers or followees, without having to (excuse the pun) troll through 30 billion new tweets.

Further to that, there are two types of offences I commit:

1) Posting an article I read, and I do not post my opinion on it.

or

2) Posting an article I read, and I have formed an opinion on it, which I include.

Both of these cause offence.

N pointed out that the problem with my tweets was the tone, not the content. Funny: the BYDLS admin said the same thing about him.

The reason my tweets are the way they are is that I like to provide a short summary of the link I am posting, If it happens to be offensive, that means that this offending material comes from the article, not me.

In order to please the offendees, I would theoretically have to stop reading blogs altogether. So I beg their forgiveness on the following points:

1) Excuse me for being interested in the world around me, and being interested in what people have to say about it.

2) Excuse me for wanting to keep people updated on my activities. It would be boring for them if all I had to say was that I knitted, washed dishes and cooked dinner.

3)If my reading habits disturb you, then there is something very easy you can do. I'm quite certain you can manage it. If not, books are available to help you:


Don't read my updates. It's as simple as that, and the power is within each of you to push the Ignore button.

I will not be offended at all. Either you can surround yourself with people who love and value you, or allow the ones who aren't to remain and fuck you up. If you don't cut loose the ones who don't support you, it drains spoons that could be used elsewhere. And if they cut loose before you can get to them, easier on you

Oh dear, that last paragraph must have offended someone. I almost hope it did. I'm glad I have had such a profound impact on your day so as to let a little thing like me upset you.

But really, I expect no forgiveness. I'm just being facetious.

Asthma update

Saw the doc on Tuesday for an asthma check.

I am currently on:
Ventolin inhaler (rescue)
Serevent inhaler (long-term maintenance; LTM)
Beclometasole inhaler (LTM)
Singular (Montelukast) tablet (LTM)

Doc is happier with the way I am sounding. Less coughing (upright), and able to talk for more than 5 minutes at a stretch. The coughing is still pretty bad at night, but it is technically better. Lungs till feel very gritty, but doc says that what we should do (the royal we) is give the preventative inhalers more time to work, and I should feel better in a month or so. Of course, if symptoms get worse, come back.

I Think I Gots Meself a Job

http://www.amazon.co.uk/tag/religion/forum/ref=cm_cd_notf_message?_encoding=UTF8&cdForum=Fx24A4CS3HPMJLK&cdPage=326&cdThread=TxPGLQGLZ5QWW0#Mx35Q1E6VHICPV2

I've been on these forums for quite some time, and just been nominated for a job as moderator! Wow! Thing is, I don;t have access to the functions in a forum that a mod would normally have, such as the ability to split topics. Ideas?

But You Don't Look Georgian?

I was recently banned from the health support site http://www.butyodontlooksick.com. It all started when my husband, whom I met on that site, posted his feelings toward complimentary and alternative medicine practices (CAM) that were being asked about on the site. The administration warned him that if he continued to post in that fashion, he would be banned from the site. N doesn’t believe that it is better to hold people’s hands and support them rather than encouraging them to not pursue dangerous forms of alternative treatment (ie homeopathy kills babies; http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/badastronomy/2009/06/05/homeopathy-kills/).

I will include what was said in the moderator forum, as through a recent email exchange with one of the administrators, it has been made clear that the owner of the site has the evidence of my posts in the mod forum. The tone of the email was to the effect of “we will use this against you if you don’t keep quiet”. Well, since I have already been banned, they can’t do much more than that. The point is that even if they did choose to use my posts as evidence of my treachery, I will not contest any of it. I freely admit that I stand by what I wrote, so using it against me would be an extremely weak tactic on their part; using it against me means that they think that exposing my words will unearth something about myself I don’t wish to see published. They are operating under the misapprehension that if they expose what I wrote, it will harm me. On the contrary, it can only help my case and hurt theirs.

When N was warned, another moderator posted in the moderator forum about it. I said in that private moderator forum that I would support N’s views, as they are similar to my own. Before this, I made it clear that I had avoided posting in the CAM forum, thinking it better to leave people to their ignorance, and if they came to harm because of it, it was no skin off my teeth.

I made it quite clear in the moderator forum that this was the reason I chose not to post often in the CAM forum, and I reminded the administration of this fact. I also explained why N’s views are what they are, and that I have an insight into his behaviour that nobody else on BYDLS does, because I live with him 24 hours a day. The response from Linda was that I was making excuses for N, and that excuses and explanations were one and the same. The logical conclusion to draw from this is that no explanation whatsoever could meet with their collective approval.

Carolyn, another moderator, also expressed the belief and hope “that I could remain neutral” – which in this case means siding with the hearts-and-flowers mentality of BYDLS. That is an extremely naive position to take. In response, they could say “Oh, no, we mean TRULY neutral.” Such a position is an impossibility.

Another question was asked – would I tolerate N’s type of behaviour if it came from another member, with whom I was not emotionally involved? I replied that I could not give them the answer that they wanted to year – which was “no” – because I had never lived with nor shared my life in such a way with any other member, therefore the comparison was not valid.

A day or so after the exchange in the moderator forum, I woke up, tried to log on to BYDLS, and found that both my username and that of my husband had been banned. I saw no reason to keep quiet about this fact, because I was never warned specifically that I personally would be banned if my behaviour did not at once become contrite and respectful.

I posted on Facebook about it in conjunction with and support of my husband’s Facebook posts, and was promptly chastised for doing so by the BYDLS administration. Apparently, it is improper to discuss events in one’s life on a public forum when all attempts to do so in private have been met with pleading ignorance and dishonesty. There is no recourse available.

Now, let’s look at the evidence that BYDLS presents:

1) I publicly compared one of the administrators, Linda, the one who is publicly visible as making the decisions on the forum: whom to ban, whom to chastise, which members need a slap on the wrist, and which get let off with seemingly atrocious behavior – to Stalin. As a Russophile, it was the first one which came to me as being logical. I explained in the moderator forum and on Facebook that I chose it because I am a Russophile. If I had been a student of American history, I would have compared her to George W Bush. The title of my blog post refers to Stalin’s place of birth – Georgia, in the former USSR.

I explained that this metaphor was quite apt, as BYDLS is literally large and unwieldy, like the former Soviet Union, and that like Stalin, the public perception of Linda is that she is alone at the helm, and has the appearance of complete power to do whatever she likes. The counter-argument was made that Linda is NOT alone at the helm, that there are two other administrators present on the boards at all times, and that all major decisions are made between the three administrators in private conversations. However, since these conversations are made outside the knowledge of anyone except the three administrators, how are we to assume that Linda is not the sole arbiter?

I repeated that the salient point was that although everyone is aware that there are three administrators total on BYDLS, the public perception was that of Linda alone at the helm. Stalin had helpers behind the scenes too, and nobody ever saw the things they did; actually, I would bet that most of them eventually fell from grace and were sent to the gulag. Linda replied that the comparison to Stalin wash harsh.

That’s the point – it was meant to be harsh. If you do not want to be criticised, do not do things that people can criticise you for. I fully expect to be criticised for writing this blog post.

2) My explanation of N’s behaviour was met with disregard when I brought it up privately in the moderator forum. Interestingly, the administrators counter-claim was that I disregarded the points they made in rebuttal. I did not. I read their posts, made a decision that they did not hold water for me, and chose accordingly to support my husband rather than the BYDLS organization. Their philosophy is that all opinions are worthy of respect. I disagree. I respect what earns my respect, and BYDLS has not. Respect is not to be doled out to everyone. Should I respect the idea that pink unicorns may live in Russell’s Teapot?

One piece of evidence that BYDLS has commented on obliquely was another spoonie’s personal blog post regarding her experiences with BYDLS.

http://newly-nerfed.net/2010/06/18/weekend-sendoff-but-you-dont-look-spammy/

The article painted BYDLS in an unfavourable light, and apparently my reading it and posting a link to it on Facebook without my own comments on what I thought of the article is an affront to BYDLS. Since many people use Facebook and Twitter to tell their contacts what they are reading online, there is as yet no statute to prevent people linking to whatever they are reading. If others choose to be offended by something I read, that is their problem.

Gee, this sounds familiar: Crohn's patient kicked off a Crohn's support forum because he advocated that CAMmers should not take MMS, which is basically bleach: http://thewelshboyo.wordpress.com/2010/08/10/bleachgate/

Asthma Flare

This morning was my last dose of a short course of prednisolone to try and kick this flare. Already starting to cough again when lying down. Hubby says it's NHS24 again if we need it. Joy.

Banned from But You Don't Look Sick, for using my brain and questioning skeptically.

Nath got warned for being blunt (Major never has) in the CAM forum of But You Don;t Look Sick. I explained to the mods why he is the way he is, and they couldn't see past their hearts and flowers campaign against critical thought and skepticism. Remember ZenMonkey? She left the boards for the same reason.

If you read her blog post about it, it's exactly what happened in this case. http://newly-nerfed.net/2010/06/18/weekend-sendoff-but-you-dont-look-spammy/ Nath posted on FB publicly because that is his right, and he was ignored in private. They pissed on him for it on his FB profile. Then they pissed on me for backing him up and not bydls. Um, he's my HUSBAND?????

I only wish now that I had printed out a copy of the mod thread on it, but of course, I can't now.

I apologize for not being able to type out the whole saga, but I am in an asthma flare that got me taken by ambulance to the ER on Sunday. Have now got better preventative puffer and am almost done a short course of pred. My GP misdiagnosed this as an infection and sent me into a flare by not managing my asthma correctly. The new GP I saw in an emergency appt is much more on top of things.

I will be removing all links to BYDLS from my blogs, as I see no point in supporting them anymore.

New Items in my Etsy shop - BABY BLANKETS!

Recently, after making a few large afghans that take a loooong time to make, I hit on the idea of doing smaller projects that could be offered for sale more quickly: baby blankets!

Each one takes less than one skein of the Lion Brand Homespun yarn that I use, so I can get 2-3 blankets per skein.

Here's my post about it.

http://warm-och-fuzzy.blogspot.com/2010/08/new-items-baby-blankets.html

If you've recently had a baby or know someone who has, please feel free to refer them to my shop. I also do custom orders.

Grandpa Marcel (4 April 1921-12 July 2010)

July 12, 2010

My Mom was in chat with me a few hours ago, and she blurted out that my grandpa Marcel, her dad, died this morning in his care home in Winnipeg, where I am from. :cry:

He was 89 years old (born 4 April 1921), and having many tiny strokes, so this was probably what got him; he died peacefully in his sleep during his after-breakfast nap. My sister said my mom was sorry for blurting it out like that, and also is keeping us up to date on the arrangements. My uncle is flying in from Toronto to help out, whatever that means.

My last information on the arrangements planned in advance was that he wanted to be buried in Belgium, where he was born. He was very much interested in his family geneaology, and as I understand it, there is a cemetery in a Belgian city where many of his ancestors (The Blanchaers) are buried. I think he'd like that, but I have no idea what his most recent wishes were. If he wanted to be buried there, I hope my family will make the effort to do that for him.

I do not know at this time if that is what will happen in actuality, but if there is something like that in the works, Nath and I will make arrangements to go there for whatever is planned. Or if they want us to come to Canada, same thing. But as I said, these things were only vaguely talked about with Grandpa in life, and his wishes may have changed. My sister will let us know. She said my mom would try to phone us this evening, but we haven't heard from her yet. Probably just as well.

The good thing is that Grandpa got to see and hold his baby great-grandchildren, my sister's twins (Emily and Isaac), less than 2 weeks ago. From the brain damage from strokes, he wasn't always "engaged" with people around him, but holy crap, he looks so happy and "with it" in the photos that my sister sent when they got to visit!

Sigh.

July 13, 2010

I talked on the phone with mom today.

My family is doing exactly what I expected them to do, given their limited skill in expressing any emotion - they are doing nothing at all to honor my grandfather.

Diddly squat.

Well, except cremating him and ignoring his wishes because it would be expensive and too much trouble. This pisses me off. When I asked mom about when grandpa had said (when I was in the same room with him to hear this) he wanted to be buried in Belgium, Mom said, "Oh, I don't think he really meant it."

Convenient, eh?

My uncle, aunt and cousins have flown in from Toronto to do...nothing? And Mom does not want Nath and me to come because it would be pointless.

Is there a Darwin Award for having all the personality and emotion of a tabletop? Because this describes my family in spades. The exact same thing happened when my grandma died in 1999, except in her case she left no clear wishes. No memorial, no nothing.

Her ashes stayed in a cardboard box in my mother's closet for over 3 years. Then they finally got around to scattering them. When I die, I do not want my remains to be shut in a damned closet.

WTF?

Idiots.

I am going on Youtube to play the Mourner's Kaddish scene from Angels in America. Given my grandfather's personality, it fits nicely. Don't be afraid to laugh. I did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H0Fi83wEWk

OK, that made me feel better.


I did want to argue with them, and I asked carefully worded questions to my mom so as to soften it...but when it came to really letting them have it, I bit my tongue. And freaked out later on, here.

But you did make me laugh. [Penelope - Carolyn told me a story about her family treating a dead relative's remains just as disrespectfully, to let me know my family wasn't the only screwed-up one. It made me laugh, as horrid as it was.]

Nath has an idea, and I'm all for it. Once they do god only knows what with the ashes - i.e. they mentioned scattering them over Grandpa's parents' graves in the Belgian cemetery in Winnipeg - he suggests that the next time the two of us go to Winnipeg, we secretly go to the cemetery, pick up some soil from the graves (just a small amount, we're not taking shovels or anything), take it back to the UK with us, and we can place it in Belgium ourselves. But we don't tell Mom or anyone until after the deed is done.

I think it would give me some peace of mind, and that was also Nath's feeling. And I think it would make Grandpa Marcel happy. [b][u][i]I will NOT tolerate my family members' deaths or remains being so disrespected![/i][/u][/b] So he was a pain in the neck, rude sometimes, self-centered and a huge imposition on my mother, but darnit, he deserves a little RESPECT!

Nath also suggested reading the Kaddish (with the special ending MWAHAHAHAHA!) when we do that.

I do not give a shit if my family reads this and is upset - they fucking well should be!

Client Threw a Shoe at Me

For a few months, I have been in communication with someone abroad who wants to buy an afghan from my Etsy site, and wants it custom-made to her liking, to be ready by a certain date. I said, sure, I can do that.

She said, "I don't want you to go to any trouble."

Uhm, that's why you're paying me!

Early on, I told her that certain patterns would take more time and be more expensive, because they are more complex and therefore take longer to make. I reminded her of this a few times along the way when I emailed her to see if she had made up her mind.

She said she could not look at the yarn on a website with pictures, and I, stupidly but in a customer-friendly way, offered to knit and send her swatches of the yarns I had on hand plus the ones she was miraculously able to choose from said website.

Even allowing for long postal times, it took her a month from when we first talked for her to choose colours and a pattern.

When she finally decided, wanted to snail-mail me her pattern idea (tack on another month where I have to wait to receive the pattern before starting), and told me in an email her ideas, catastrophe struck.

She wanted the most expensive pattern that would take the longest amount of time. I wrote her back and said (professionally and politely) that there was no conceivable way I could complete the project on time for when she needed it. Originally, I worked out how long each pattern would take me, and she was aware that a certain pattern would not be feasible if she wanted it by a certain date - which she did.

Her answer was "Don't worry about it. I will reimburse you for the yarn you've bought to send me the swatches".

Trying not to sound like I was begging, I emailed her and asked if she would like to continue but with a different pattern that I could complete well before the due date?

I hate to sound like I am begging, but let's be realistic. These knitting projects are not produced out of thin air, and it appears that she thinks they do.

My husband and friends agree that she is nuts, has no concept of how long these things take, and needs a reality check. The reason I am so disheartened by this is that my business is fledgling, and my customers are few and far between, so I need all the business I can get. If I lose this one, yuck!

On the positive side, if she backs out, I will get money for the yarn and shipping cpsts, and I can make scarves out of the yarn I bought to make her swatches. I am also updating my Etsy site's main page to prevent shit like this from happening again.

My husband quipped that this client threw a shoe at me, in reference to George W Bush's visit to Iraq last year, in which angry journalists lobbed shoes at the ex-president. Do to so says much more about the client than it does about me.

You can see my Etsy products at http://warmochfuzzy.etsy.com/

My Sister's Pregnancy, Part II

So today I learned that my sister will probably not want to let Mom have the babies at her house for babysitting when we come visit. My husband and I are unable to get into my sister's house because she refuses to put a railing on the front steps; both my husband and I walk with sticks, and have difficulty with stairs.

My sister has refused to put up a railing since they moved into that house 5 years ago. She claims that it would ruin the front facade/decor.

I know that this idea is paranoid, but it feels like my sister deliberately does not want me to see her babies. Also, she is fundamental Christian and I am Jewish. Does she think I am going to eat the babies for lunch?

My Sister's Pregnancy

My sister is expecting twins in April or May, and lives in Canada. Nath and I have repeatedly asked for photos so we can share in the pregnancy excitement from the other side of the pond; it's the ONLY way we can experience it.

But we have only received two photos early on, and my mom says my sister doesn't want to take more photos because she's "touchy about the way she looks". Another reason earlier on was that she was in a lot of pain because the babies were putting pressure on her organs. Nath and I wonder, "how does that preclude taking photos?" We're in pain all the time and we take photos of memorable events! What's the problem???

Erm...she's fat and pregnant...what's wrong with that??? It's normal! Was she expecting to stay svelte and not break out in acne because her hormones are going nuts? I get the feeling she's too posh to push. They spent the first ten years of marriage creating the perfect house...that's all going to go down the toilet, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to their disillusionment.

Sigh. This post is a bit of a rant on my part because of ongoing related problems, and I am on my period so very hormonally volatile when it comes to discussing anything related to pregnancy. Nath and I are thus far unable to have intercourse, but we want to have kids, start trying next year. So anything related to fertility and pregnancy gets me riled up because I feel inadequate. My vaginismus and his fibro make intercourse thus far impossible, so hearing about anyone else's pregnancy drives me to tears.

Interdigitate: Word of the Day 16/01/2010

VERB
Meaning: to become interlocked like the fingers of folded hands

Example Sentence
"The edges [of bridge expansion joints] often are shaped like combs, the teeth of one interdigitating with teeth of the other." (The Washington Post, January 14, 1998)