"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part VI)

February 10, 2008

Today she beeped twice in my MSN messenger program.

The first time I told her that my morphine was making me woozy, as the morning dosage always does. It clears up in about 1-2 hours; sometimes I work through the wooziness, others I rest.

Her response was, "he he. I gotta go out to the supply store. Be back in half an hour". Then she left.

It's not funny!!!!!!!! What kind of person laughs when someone says they are sick?????!!!!!!

A little while later she beeped again. "Hello?"

After waiting a few minutes to see if she would say anything else, I said that I had a bad headache and couldn't talk (which happened to be true). She said "kk, ttyl" and left. No "I'm sorry", no hugs, NOTHING.

I personally make a point to give someone a cyber hug if they're not feeling well (even though it can't change their pain level directly), and I appreciate it so very much when my spoonie friends do the same for me. A hug goes a long way with me. Sometimes for spoonies here hat's all I can do for them. But it's something.

Sigh. I wish Monday would come so I wold know what the stakes were. Drop her and get the CD. The only reason I'm not just buying it now is because if she did show, I'd have 2 copies of the CD

"Abby" has never seen me in person with the high levels of pain that mean I reach for a massive dose of gravol. She's never seen what happens if my shunt malfunctions. By the time she sees it, the gravol's working and I appear "normal". I didn't know her at the time my shunt was tied off, when I was at my sickest and in the neurosurgical ICU.

So that is partly my responsibility. Perhaps I should let Abby see me in the state I'm in before I take the Gravol. Maybe she's completely ignorant of how ill I can become, even though I've explained it to her. It's like she's not tracking with it.

It's like it would be necessary for her to witness the severest symptoms I had before she'd truly understand what was going on. In a sense, since she hasn't seen me symptomatically projectile vomit (this happened at least 3-4 times a day in the ICU as a result of stabilizing my ICP after the catheter was tied off), it's like she doesn't think I am sick.

Why should I have to prove it to her when she is so concerned about always making sure I know how mentally ill she is (i.e., the agoraphobia that cost her her job - she resigned from it. Her boss refused to give her more shifts because she missed so much work due to not being able to leave her house). The fact that her illness is documented by a physician apparently did no good.

I think mental illness is more invisible than Spoonie illnesses like lupus and MS, and yet I'm supposed to hold her hand and be supportive when she will not do the same for me?

I don't think so. I know mental illness is just as serious as any physical illness, and that's why I went into psychology. People deserve support and help if you can give it.

I've never met any of my Spoonie friends (yet ) in person, but you guys "get it" without having to witness personally each other's flares, and I'm grateful for that. You guys "get it" simply by interacting in here, emails and IM. The different Spoonies I talk with daily in IM, like Nath, Sarah and Taneli "get it" even though they can't see me. There's no judgment and preciously few attempts to try and "one-up" each other. That's why the BYDLS community is so fantastic, and that's why I fell in love with Nath (that and his exceptionally large mind... brain the size of planet...)

When I first met "Abby," I encouraged her to come here, make herself part of our community, because she does have an invisible illness, and I thought she would love this place like I do.

But she never has. One of the things she keeps saying is that nobody understands her. G-d knows, I have tried. I've listened to her talk, and offered my love and support. She took, and she took, and she took, rarely giving back.

I guess I've been wasting my time, eh? Abby is going to abuse me for dropping her, because she's incapable of understanding that she hurt me very much. I guess I'll just have to endure it. I should have reacted more strongly, let her know right then that she'd put her foot in it by saying "You're not invited, but...you understand, right?"

Understand what? I should have asked. I would have accepted a reasonable explanation. Not something like, "I can walk over you in golf spikes and you'll still be here for me."

It will be hard for her to understand that she made a booboo. A big one. And, literally or otherwise, she's going to try and put the blame on me for making a break for it.

If you've made it to the end of my post, thanks for reading - boy, I can't believe I wrote all that while blotto.

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part V)

February 8, 2008

Why this bothers me so much is that the CD added to the wedding crap she pulled on me is just too much.

If it were just the CD, I'd say to the devil with her and buy another copy.

Another thing that makes this very difficult is that if I break off all contact, this will enrage her. She will hurl abuse at me in a passive-aggressive fashion; she's done this before when we had a disagreement about something a few years back. I don't remember what the point of contention was, so I can't say who was right or wrong, but I remember how she acted. It was not pretty. What I did then was withdraw from the situation for a while, and then patch things up. And I felt awful; I was certain I'd done something wrong. I'm not perfect, but I know I tried not to do anything wrong. Who doesn't?

She has often described herself as being very "alpha" - dominant. She doesn't take kindly to anything negative directed at her, and she knows how to make words hurt grievously. Even if it is objectively not the other person's fault, she knows how to make a person think that something is their fault. In many ways her thinking is like an adolescent's. In that sense, I suppose I was the perfect victim: compliant, non-aggressive, the one who smooths things over. "Sure we can meet next Monday." See? I acquiesced, because she leaves no room for argument. All other options are deemed unsuitable.

I wish this would just go away.

It's not that I'm afraid to make a decision. The problem is the consequences. I don't deserve what she's likely to do to me, and it's going to be very unpleasant.

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part IV)

This evening, February 6, Abby did it again. Phoned me, dumped on me, and hung up. At least this time I have lots of gravol in me (bad day), so it doesn't hurt as much. Mentally or physically.

Much.

A simplified transcript after customary greetings are exchanged:

Abby: How are you? (She never gives me a chance to answer, but hurtles on with...)

A: Craptastic. (repeated 6-8 times)

S: What does that mean?

(After many minutes of her babbling at me, I finally find out she will be quitting her job because her boss refuses to give her shifts on the grounds that her mental illness (agoraphobia) has made it impossible for her to make it to work on a bad day). She has a doctor's note, so it is documented. She says her parents will be supporting her until she can figure something out.

I suggest suing them on grounds of discrimination.

She ignores me, keeps talking, saying she is high on anger. She doesn't want to sue them.

OK.

Five more minutes of bitching away without ever letting me talk. Suddenly, there is a question inserted into the stream of wordswordswords.

Do I want to meet up on Friday after class?

Stunned, I said yes.

A: OK, ttyl (she actually said t-t-y-l). Shorthand-speak, if you will.

Clunk. *The phone is hung up.*



I want to hug my boyfriend...

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part III)

I have previously used the "I am very sick and can't talk." card. As in Level 8 pain and I am screaming.

"Abby" just kept blabbering.

Maybe she was drunk. She didn't seem to notice that my replies were basically mutterings through clenched teeth because of the pain: "ahh, hmm, I see...ahhh (groan)..." - when I didn't give a rodent's posterior.

I should have hung up. I didn't because I have cultivated good manners.

I paid for good manners today. On to the next post, my beloved reader, if you dare!

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part II)

"Abby has done this kind of thing before. Sometime this past fall, she called and told me all about a Passion Party she was going to, and then hung up. Gee, I would have liked to hop a ride and go too...I could use a new sex toy...

Later she calls back and says, "Oh I didn't ask if you wanted to go because there was a huge flight of stairs down to the hostess's basement." She knew well before this that I can do stairs JUST FINE if there is a railing - which there was.

But she never thought to ask.

Want to hear more? (stop reading if you don't; I need to vent )













keep scrolling down...



















Recently she phones me up, either stoned or drunk, and informs me she and her fiance just had sex, and how frequently she got off.

"Abby, I really don't need to hear this."

Silent continuation: My boyfriend is 5000 miles away and I can't even hug him, you little ****** putz!

(teacherish voice) "But you need to know about these things!"

Hold it!! I need to hear how your sex life is so blipping fulfilling when I can't even hug the man I'm in love with?????????

"Everything is fine..." says the bunny. (Part I)

I wasn't planning on writing here today, but a friend on www.butyoudonlooksick.com had this bunny as her signature, and it happens to reflect my mood.


My best friend has her head stuck so far up her own *** she can check her tonsils. I will call her Abby.

For a few months now, Abby has been engaged to the guy she's been living with for the past 4 years. The day she got engaged, she was so excited that she phoned me at 8 am.

Me: "Great! Congrats! I'm so happy for you!"

Right?

Abby phones me tonight (this was on February 3), to vent, as she has been doing lately. She talks a lot, and usually I just sit and listen, and say "ah, hm, I see" when appropriate. She never asks what I'm up to. There's an automatic "how are you?" at the beginning of all phone calls, but without real interest in the answer.

Sometimes she phones me after she is drunk. Usually this is a great source of mutual amusement. She's also on Xanax and an anti-psychotic, and she raves about how it has calmed her down so much, and she feels great, except for attacks of agoraphobia which have curtailed our getting together at university before classes like we used to.

Lately she has chastised me for not being at the meeting spot lately. Lockers. Sometimes I don't have time to stash my coat, and having not heard from her, I assume she will not be there.

The next day, I invariably get a phone call: "Where were you?"

But back to the phone call tonight...

She starts talking about the wedding dress she found. She loves it, it is perfect, etc. Me: "That's nice, Abby." I have no clue because she's not keeping me in the loop at all.

Then the subject moves on to the wedding. I don't know when the date will be; Abby has not told me. Every time I ask, she says she doesn't know yet.

Then, out of the clear blue sky, she says casually, "You're not invited. There are only so many people that we're inviting...but you understand, of course." (That wasn't a question. Her voice is cheery, as if nothing is amiss.)

Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then she keeps talking, as if what she said isn't meant to have an effect on me. I didn't realize how much it stung until 20 minutes after hanging up, and I relayed the story to my boyfriend and my mum.

It's not that I look for or expect invites like this; social situations are stressful for me, and I would most likely have politely declined.

But...isn't there a better way of saying something like what she did?

Is this worth ending a friendship, such as it is? She's my only friend outside of the people on But You Don't Look Sick?. All my other friends are there.

The best friend designation was her idea. That is what galls.

Pain

I have a ****load of pain today. Usually it can be resolved by making sure I eat something. That didn't work, so now I'm gonna retreat to the couch and take 100 mg Gravol. It's the only medication besides MS Contin (morphine) that works for me.

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww! *whimper*