February 10, 2008
Today she beeped twice in my MSN messenger program.
The first time I told her that my morphine was making me woozy, as the morning dosage always does. It clears up in about 1-2 hours; sometimes I work through the wooziness, others I rest.
Her response was, "he he. I gotta go out to the supply store. Be back in half an hour". Then she left.
It's not funny!!!!!!!!
What kind of person laughs when someone says they are sick?????!!!!!! A little while later she beeped again. "Hello?"
After waiting a few minutes to see if she would say anything else, I said that I had a bad headache and couldn't talk (which happened to be true). She said "kk, ttyl" and left. No "I'm sorry", no hugs, NOTHING.
I personally make a point to give someone a cyber hug if they're not feeling well (even though it can't change their pain level directly), and I appreciate it so very much when my spoonie friends do the same for me. A hug goes a long way with me. Sometimes for spoonies here hat's all I can do for them. But it's something.
Sigh. I wish Monday would come so I wold know what the stakes were. Drop her and get the CD. The only reason I'm not just buying it now is because if she did show, I'd have 2 copies of the CD
"Abby" has never seen me in person with the high levels of pain that mean I reach for a massive dose of gravol. She's never seen what happens if my shunt malfunctions. By the time she sees it, the gravol's working and I appear "normal". I didn't know her at the time my shunt was tied off, when I was at my sickest and in the neurosurgical ICU.
So that is partly my responsibility. Perhaps I should let Abby see me in the state I'm in before I take the Gravol. Maybe she's completely ignorant of how ill I can become, even though I've explained it to her. It's like she's not tracking with it.
It's like it would be necessary for her to witness the severest symptoms I had before she'd truly understand what was going on. In a sense, since she hasn't seen me symptomatically projectile vomit (this happened at least 3-4 times a day in the ICU as a result of stabilizing my ICP after the catheter was tied off), it's like she doesn't think I am sick.
Why should I have to prove it to her when she is so concerned about always making sure I know how mentally ill she is (i.e., the agoraphobia that cost her her job - she resigned from it. Her boss refused to give her more shifts because she missed so much work due to not being able to leave her house). The fact that her illness is documented by a physician apparently did no good.
I think mental illness is more invisible than Spoonie illnesses like lupus and MS, and yet I'm supposed to hold her hand and be supportive when she will not do the same for me?
I don't think so. I know mental illness is just as serious as any physical illness, and that's why I went into psychology. People deserve support and help if you can give it.
I've never met any of my Spoonie friends (yet
) in person, but you guys "get it" without having to witness personally each other's flares, and I'm grateful for that. You guys "get it" simply by interacting in here, emails and IM. The different Spoonies I talk with daily in IM, like Nath, Sarah and Taneli "get it" even though they can't see me. There's no judgment and preciously few attempts to try and "one-up" each other. That's why the BYDLS community is so fantastic, and that's why I fell in love with Nath (that and his exceptionally large mind... brain the size of planet...)When I first met "Abby," I encouraged her to come here, make herself part of our community, because she does have an invisible illness, and I thought she would love this place like I do.
But she never has. One of the things she keeps saying is that nobody understands her. G-d knows, I have tried. I've listened to her talk, and offered my love and support. She took, and she took, and she took, rarely giving back.
I guess I've been wasting my time, eh? Abby is going to abuse me for dropping her, because she's incapable of understanding that she hurt me very much. I guess I'll just have to endure it. I should have reacted more strongly, let her know right then that she'd put her foot in it by saying "You're not invited, but...you understand, right?"
Understand what? I should have asked. I would have accepted a reasonable explanation. Not something like, "I can walk over you in golf spikes and you'll still be here for me."
It will be hard for her to understand that she made a booboo. A big one. And, literally or otherwise, she's going to try and put the blame on me for making a break for it.
If you've made it to the end of my post, thanks for reading - boy, I can't believe I wrote all that while blotto.
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